2020

 2020.....great year huh?  Pandemics, rioting, sicknesses, fires, deaths, etc...   Seriously? 

So, I will add MY life stuff in with the 2020 mix of badness knowing it's NOT the year...  it's just time!

The year 2020 has actually been great to my family overall.  The Pandemic has reminded us a lot about the way we live and what is important.  It reminded us we can live with less.  It reminded us to live off local resources.  It reminded us how to get along better as a family.  It reminded us how important it is to take care of those in need.   We  also decided to withdraw most of the kids from public school and begin homeschooling them.  We, as a family, have actually never been happier or more bonded. For that, I am ever thankful.

There were also some difficult times over the past few months.  I took myself off EMS duty...something I fought so hard for just a few short years ago, as I just couldn't take the risk during COVID.  We lost a close neighbor/friend at the height of the pandemic(not related to COVID).  We lost my Grandmother(Dad's Mom), also not due to COVID.  I recently lost my best childhood friend.  I guess that, in a way, was due to COVID.. at least the mental consequences that COVID caused.   My childhood memories will never be the same... 

I could see and feel this last (hopefully the LAST of 2020) hit coming.  I've been noticing some ever so slight cognitive changes, headaches, clumsiness and just the general "not right" feeling over the past few months.  So, I was very glad to have my yearly MRIs and Neurologist consult last week at the Mandell MS Center.  I'm sure, especially if you have read my blog, you know how amazing my Neurologist is. She's accomplished and smart and supportive and very very knowledgeable about MS and all the latest research.  She always starts my appointments off with "How have you been feeling?".  Then, I tell her the good and the bad and she tries her best to "fix" it (usually with a new medication to add to my list).  I decided last year to stop most of the medications, though, because it was just too much.  Instead, I have been trying to retrain my thought process instead.  Most of the MS symptoms are due to nerves misfiring and such.  For instance, sometimes I get severe pain in my joints... like someone is breaking them).  I know this is not the case.  I can see that.  So, I just tell myself its nerves and it will go away... and it does(and each time it comes back I tell myself the same).  So, every time I get some other wacky MS symptom, instead of reaching for a pill bottle, I just tell myself its nerves.  This, i'm sure, takes away a lot of power from Dr Bailey as she cant "fix" a lot of symptoms I have.  However, she is still a great support and wealth of information.  Back to the appointment...  I tell her I have been OK..  but there are a few things that concern me.  I asked her if she reviewed my MRIs yet and she began to look concerned too.  We both already knew at that point.  So, she pulled out the scans and reported to me that the lesions in my brain have actually somewhat IMPROVED..???!!!  We were both puzzled as this does not usually happen.  So, then she reads on..  She tells me there IS activity and changes in the lesion on my brainstem.  This one is the BIG ONE.  This lesion is the one that caused me to not be able to walk.. to write.. to feed myself..  This one is the one that caused me to be in the hospital for...  well.. I dont remember exactly how long but my daughter can tell you precisely how many days(weeks actually).   Dr. Bailey paused and leaned back on her little rolling stool (those stools seem so much more fun and less professional in the pediatricians office).   I reflected on a past appointment a few years ago when she suggested I go on a Disease Modifying Drug called Tysabri. It was a huge deal.  I swore it was going to kill me.  The major side effect is PML (which is basically an incurable, irreversible disease that attacks part of your brain).  The Black Box warning for Tysabri was to use it for not more than 3 years due to increased risk of PML.  Ive been on it for SEVEN YEARS.  She says "we have some options.  I think you are building antibodies to Tysabri.  We can draw labs to determine that and we can take another MRI in 4 months to check progress".  She didn't seem her usual confident self.  So, I questioned if she was happy with this and she replied "Do you remember that appointment a few years ago when we talked about treatments?" This, of course was the one I had been reflecting on for the past 10 minutes.  She then went on to tell me we should make a change, and soon.  She gave me the choice of a drug called Mavenclad or one called Ocrevus.  She went over the ins and outs of both.  They are both kind of new.  So, there is the uncertainty of that too.  I let her know that she is the one that will choose treatment since she knows the drugs best and she knows my MS just about as well as I do.  She informed me that Ocrevus would be my best shot, though it comes with the increased risk of cancer(to which I suprisingly responded "Cancer is treatable").  Ocrevus works by attaching itself to your bodies B Cells and killing them off.  Your bodies B cells are what are responsible for eating away at your  myelin, causing the damage of MS.  Your B Cells are also a major component of your immune system however.  THIS (https://multiplesclerosis.net/caregiver/immunosuppression-ocrevus/)  is a great article to read to explain the immunity component.  If you are reading this blog and are a close friend or family member that visits with us, please please read it.  So, I begin this new drug in a few weeks.  I will get MRIs retaken and bloodwork drawn in 4 months to see if there is any progression and to check how fast my antibodies are regenerating.

I, as well as my family, have come to grips with the new treatment.  After all, as Dr. Bailey says, "Its my best option".  This whole pandemic thing I guess has taught us one more thing, besides those I previously listed.  It has taught us how we will continue to live our lives..  decreasing activities, social distancing, hand washing, masks, home schooling, no EMS, etc..  

Dr Bailey and I agreed: I had a good run there...  but it's time for the next chapter.  And again... it's not 2020.. its just time. 

In as zombies, out as Superheros!!!

Today was 28th day Tysabri infusion day.  It's the day I trudge into the clinic along with all the other MS "Warriors", so they call us.  We look like zombies hobbling down the hall to get "treated" and released back into society.  I feel crippled and bound and weak and, well, disabled as we amble down the corridor.  I spend my 2 hours, that I sit for my infusion, catching up on work and schedules.  I feel more optimistic as I leave, and I wonder if the others do too.  I think of all the things that I AM and that I accomplish. I am a full-time mom of 3 (which is rarely ever just 3), I am an EMT, I am a treasurer, a marketing director, a beekeeper, an artist... The list goes on.  I think "If I can do all that I do.... What are their superpowers'?  It's proven that, in the face of disaster or a major traumatic event, people are their best.  They do things they can't normally do.  They have super-human strength and compassion and drive.  There is something about having an incurable, progressive illness and losing so much that makes me like that in every situation, not just in the face of tragedy.  I listened to someone speak in church the other day.  They spoke of "not just helping someone but going above and beyond".  I hear this so often.... going above and beyond.... and I think....  should there even be such a phrase?  Shouldn't above and beyond be the norm?  When I do something I hope, no matter what it is, that I go above and beyond what is expected. That is MY norm.  That is MY "pay it forward".   That, in part, is me making the world a better place.  That is also, in part,  why I am so busy and so tired I suppose.

Which leads me to my Neurologist appointment.  I was relaying to my doctor my ups and downs over the past few months and how I can take on the world sometimes and then ....there's the other times. The times when I can't even take on sitting up.  She asked if I have been stressed at home (hahaha).  So, I watch her face drop as I tell about taking care of 6 kids and my parents (main support system) being away for 2 weeks, and us working on another home remodeling project.. and ... and... I figured I would stop before she had me committed and not let me leave.  I added that it wasn't the big things that left me fatigued, it was the lack of endurance at the end of the day to even read an extra bedtime story or to do an extra craft with the kids or make that one last stop in order to complete all my errands.  She suggested for me to try a new medication, Provigil.  She went on to say, however, how expensive it is and how unlikely my insurance is to cover it for use as an MS med to fight fatigue.  She asked how long this has been going on and I told her I was doing SO well a few months ago that I was able to go to school, get my EMT certification and volunteer at the local fire department.  Her face lit up!  She excitedly told me how that fact alone, that I went on calls all hours of the day and night, would possibly qualify me to get insurance coverage for this med.  It has traditionally been used as a treatment for narcolepsy for those that do shift work or work odd hours and have disrupted sleep cycles on a continuous basis.  Wonderful.  She anticipates it will make a dramatic change in my life. I can't wait.

Another issue I had to address was my hands and arms.  Lately, I have difficulty typing. Ever since my first major episode of MS when I lost the use of my hands, they don't seem to work independently.  I have to watch them in order for them to perform tasks.  So, tying shoes, writing, stirring something, typing...I can't look away.  Lately, although I chaperone my hands closely while typing, I will look up at the screen and its just a jumble of smushed together words.  I have to almost chicken peck the keys to get my fingers to lift up and move to the next key.  I stress that I do a lot of computer work and when I go back to work its probably going to be computer based and I can even type anymore and...I look up at Dr. Bailey after telling her this and expect her to have this "you are crazy" look on her face but instead, she reacted by telling me it's completely normal.  So, I begin physical therapy asap and hopefully, they can help me get back on track.  She also related this to the spasticity I have been getting in my hands and arms.  When I sleep at night my arms are in such pain, like someone is twisting them almost to the point of breaking.  When I wake up, my fists are clenched and it takes a few minutes to regain normal motion.  Dr Bailey says this is all due to muscle spasticity and a little Botox should take it all away.  That's it?  A few Botox injections in my arms every 12 weeks and they will be pain-free?  This is all amazing.

So, I optimistically prance out of her office and down the hall with all the other MS "warriors" and off we go, a force to be reckoned with.  Until next time.....

Realism vs. Negativity

       I was having a discussion with a friend recently and we were talking about the future.  I told him one of my future dreams... and then added something about being dead before I got the chance (I was actually thinking worse; like wheelchair bound or blind and still wanting to live that dream but not being physically able).  It was then that he asked why I was so negative.  It was also then that I was reminded how you have really NO IDEA what it is like to be in someone else's shoes unless you have had a similar experience.  No matter how hard you try.  In my mind, I am optimistic and positive and a dreamer of all things good(after all, my blog IS titled My Beautiful Life, with m.s.).  .However, I am also a stark realist.  I reminded this said friend that I have a progressive illness with no present cure. I have a lesion on my Brainstem that could potentially paralyze me.  I have no vision in one eye due to a lesion on my optic nerve.  I could go on, but you all know my story (If not, feel free to read my other blog posts).  There is nothing except the faith in my current medication to prevent the same type of lesion on the other eye... or somewhere else.  I consider this in ALL I do.  Every . Single.  Day.
      I have been doing well.. super well.  A friend of mine with MS as well saw me this summer and told me how great I looked.  I passed the same compliment back for this is someone strong and wise and accomplished that also does not look, on the outside, like he has MS.  We shared our mutual "key to life with MS", which is ....  tuck it away....  back (way back) into your brain and carry on with life.  Now....  compartmentalization is something I have often criticized people for in the past.  If I was to use my own advice then that you cant put yourself in someone else's shoes... but it is too late for that.  So, I have stuffed it away.  It isn't that I don't have MS.  It just DOES NOT affect me.  I go out without Crane (my Service Dog).  I am NOT tired.  My body DOES NOT hurt.  I do everything a normal person would do...or at least some normal people.  I keep up with the kids.  I took an EMT class (and kicked it's ass I must say).  My infusions are a chance to study and catch up.  That is it!
    ......That being said (you grammar freaks just have to bite your tongue, OK?  After all, this is - again - MY blog)...MS is something I have to consider with every decision.  I weigh out what activities are reasonable for me in a day.  It makes me decide what events I attend, when and how far I have to drive and the importance of each event as well.  I know it seems selfish but if there is an event someone wants me to go to that either I don't want to or I know will make me feel uncomfortable, there is a good chance I will skip it.  My time here, as a fully functional person, is limited.  I know this.  I have a progressive illness for which there is no cure (in case I haven't already mentioned).  So, I weigh my pros and cons.  Will I regret not going?  How uncomfortable will it make me?  Is it something relating to the kids?  Is it a once in a lifetime occurrence?  Is there something I would rather be doing?  Now, I know that last one seems selfish but if you are considering your future and making the absolute most time out of what you have.... that is something you should consider. So, after I analyze something, taking into account my MS, I stuff it back away.
This technique(?) allows me to continue to be positive and optimistic and take on challenges,,just with a hint of reality.
    One of the downfalls of all the "stuffing back" of my MS is avoiding my blog.  I kind of lost sight of what the blog was meant for, to help people.  I write it to inform and inspire those living with MS or other illnesses.  I write it to keep family and friends up to date so they don't have to ask how I'm doing for no one really knows the right questions to ask or the right way to word those questions.  It saves them for awkwardly tip-toeing around conversation.  By the way, questions don't bother me at all, it is the person asking that seems more awkward.  So, Its has been a long time since the last post and I apologize for that!
   I was able to help ECAD in the making of a video promotion this past summer:
Check it out here!! 
Although I had to dredge up some memories of how bad things were for me, I was also able to realize how far I have come.
I believe in the last blog I wrote I was battling with the decision to follow my Neurologist(Dr Mary Bailey) to her new practice (Mandell MS Center of CT).  Well, I did end up, very hesitantly, leaving Yale and following her to Hartford.  My first visit was quite a shock.  The whole building feels like a convalescent home.  The main function is rehabilitation.  So, there is a pool and fitness center and a daily living center (that the kids LOVE to play in).  Each of these centers are made for patients with advanced MS.  Talk about stark reality? There's no escape from thinking about my own future and seeing myself in their places. Anyway, The building and exam rooms are slightly out of date (esp compared to Yale).  All the staff was, obviously, new to me...not like all the staff at Yale that I have made such strong bonds with.  So, I sat there waiting,  in a 80's feeling exam room, just wanting to get out of there.  I knew this was not going to work out.  Dr Bailey finally came in and I wanted to tell her how I was sorry but I don't feel comfortable here.  Out of politeness, I first asked her how she was doing. She went on and on about how happy she is now.  How she was blinded for years with all the money Yale has and the "appearance of it all".  Here, though, at Mandell Center, they aren't all about research..  Mandell Center is all about their patients and how they can help them(there goes me and my supposed non-judgmental outlook on life.  Guess I still have some work to do). So, if Dr Bailey ( The leading Neurologist from Yale) can handle it, so can I.  It has definitely been an adjustment but is more like "home" every time I go.
   One of my routine blood screens showed I had anemia. So I have been seeing a hematologist and getting IV Iron infusions weekly along with my Tysabri infusions every 28 days,  Anemia causes fatigue, twitchy legs, headaches...  Basically the same of some of my MS symptoms.  Between MS fatigue and Anemia fatigue I'm surprised I made it through the holidays.
  In the spirit of challenge and keeping my brain alive, I just finished an EMT class.  I made it to every single class for all four months.  I went to off site training.  I did everything everyone else did and did not have to tell a single person I had MS.  I got an A in the class and am awaiting the results of my final state exam.  I was able to meet people and make friends and socialize without being a person with a disability. Now, that's SOMETHING!!
I ordered my textbook for class and when I received it I sat down to scroll through it.  The text was blurry.  OH NO. This revelation wouldn't be so alarming if i had sight in both my eyes.  However, when you only have one.... it is a bit worrisome.  I remember the day I lost the vision in my right eye like it was yesterday.  It was during my stay at Yale and getting IV steroids and plasmapheresis , surrounded by the best Neurologists and Opthalmologists in probably the country.  Yet, over the course of mere hours I completely lost the right side of my world and there was nothing they could do to stop or reverse it.  So, I rushed in to see my Neuro-Opthalmologist.  After hours of testing she gave me her final conclusion....  I'm old.  That is all.  She told me to go to the pharmacy and pick up a pair of lowest strength cheap reading glasses. Now, I am one of those people that searches the house for their glasses when they are right there on my head the whole time.  uggggg
I have much more to tell all of you.  However, I will make that another blog and I promise it will be soon.
Happy Holidays!!!

The Power of Positive Thinking

I have not published a blog post since MARCH!!!!
Where once I would NEED to write posts just to stop thoughts and memories and terrors from swirling around in my mind.  Now, I dread it.
Where once I had Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Speech Therapists, Visiting Nurses, etc...  to help me improve...I have no more.
 It has been over 3 years since my diagnosis of MS.  What residual symptoms I have now, I will have forever (plus more in the future).  I am not being pessimistic...its just the nature of the beast.

Where I once wanted to share my stories and my symptoms and my experiences...I now want to block them out. OK, Instead of "blocking things out" i will used instead "the power of positive thinking".  "A positive person anticipates happiness, health and success, and believes he or she can overcome any obstacle and difficulty", Remez Sasson. I spoke to a friend the other day, that has MS as well, he (after 35 years)fully believes the same..  It seems like all the research and breaking treatments out there for MS are to prevent the disease.  They aren't to reverse symptoms.  Sometimes I feel like an old saggy woman in a convalescent home.  No one is focusing on making her life better, its just tending to her until her time comes.  Yeah, there's some rumors swirling around out there of stem cell treatments and new drugs and such but it is years and years away.  Too many years to reverse symptoms that are years and years old.

Positive thought seems to be the way to go. When you think positively, you can actually block things out and forget about them (or try to convince yourself to at least).  I mean, I cant completely but I can try.  For instance, when I take my evening walk, since I am blind in my right eye, every time I turn a corner to the right....  well....I have to turn my head like an owl to check for oncoming traffic before I make my turn across the road.  I try, however, to quickly tuck this away and not dwell on it.  There are about 1000 more examples a day similar to this.

So, for now, I dont feel tired.  I dont have pain. My vision is not a setback.  All these other annoying symptoms are not so bad.

I must say, I have been great lately.  It is difficult to say whether its because of posiitve thought or my lesions are just completely dormant at the moment.  I remain on medication, as I will for life.  My 28 day Tysabri infusions are the strongest and most effective available.  It is the best option for preventing future attacks of MS.  So, I let the medicine worry about the future.  For now, I'm good.  I have been leaving my Service Dog at home(which doesnt thrill my husband). However, its difficult to tote around a Service Dog everywhere and not let it remind you why you have it.  I did go through training and got Crane and I certified as a Therapy Team.  So, we can go out and spread some cheer through hospitals and such.

 I have been walking/jogging.  I joined the local Fire Department.  I am starting an EMT class next week,  I will eventually die from some ms related symptoms...that's a fact (unless something more rapid sneaks up on me).  But for now, I'm going to be a normal person.  I AM!!!

What else.....  My neurologist left Yale.  This fact shook me for a few months.  She is like a life line for me. I remember seeing her for the first time and having to be pushed into the exam room in a wheelchair.  Not only could I not walk at that point, I couldnt sit up either, without feeling completely sick.  Now, look at me today.  Could another doctor have had the same results?  Sure. However, I see her as the one who was able to turn me around.  I hate the thought of leaving Yale.  I love it there.  They are the best in the field....but then again... So is DR Bailey and she left.  She now practices at The Mandell Center for MS at Mt Sinai.  I have been to see her there and I am not sure how I like it.  I suppose time will tell.

So, back to my blog...  When I write, I write about my MS symptoms and how they affect me and others around me.  Well, the symptoms that remain, I just dont want to talk about.  I dont want them to affect me and I surely dont want them to affect those around me. Sure, I have things that affect me on a daily basis, but for now, those are mine.

11. One Thing After Another

One thing leads to another..

So, my weekly adventure at Yale started on Sunday afternoon this week.  I woke up to no vision in my right eye. This didn't worry me as much as one would have thought because i hear its quite common with MS.  Besides, with my migraine a week ago I lost all sensation along the right side of my head, from the middle of my head, across my face, down half my tongue and my  neck. So, I kind of for saw something coming.  Within a few hours 'my team' had an optometrist bedside to do a full eye exam. Yes, that is why are are here, no fooling around. On a Sunday day morning none the less.
   Fortunately he saw nothing wrong with my eye itself but maybe in the myelin or some swelling in the optic nerve. I was just happy to have another one at that point.  He did say I would have to go to the clinic tomorrow for a full exam.  Now, the clinic is in t
he same hospital, but seems on the other end of the earth and due to my dizziness Anderson lack of balance it would be my first ride in a wheelchair, not a stretchr.  So, way out of my comfort zone.
Within  a matter of hours, my third MRI was scheduled (2 MRIs  and 1 CAT SCAN).  This was to be the most tedious of all.  It was ordered for brain, eyes and complete spinal cord, with contrasts.  That translates to 2 1/2 hours of laying completely still.  If you know me at all... still is not one of my strong points.
  It is about now I begin to wonder how mu h one human is meant to bear. Because just when I think im at my max, I keep trudging.  I also have to strongly interject here that this is when I get  little note saying your thinking of me, or flowers, or you spend time with my precious children when I cant, that keeps me going.
    There were times when both my parents had bouts of serious illness that , if I knew how much it would have meant to them to slow down my life a little and show them some more support...well I regret not, but im a different person now.
So, back to my events.. since the vision loss popped up,, they thought I needed yet another round of IV Solumedrol (steroids) which brings on blood sugar finger pricks and possible insulin.  Now im up to about 6 blood sticks a day.. for about the past month.  Thats heparin shots,  finger pricks, labs,  catheter changes and the big one, the pheresis dagger.
  Speaking of which, I still had that treatment to go, which I dont like at all.  It is just completely unnatural.   I do believe I am beginning to accept it as a necessary evil.
That was my Sunday/Monday.


Destiny is found in two days
One that seems for you
And one that seems against you
So when things seem easy
Dont be proud or careless
And when things are difficult
Be patient!

        Hadat 'Ali

5. Diagnosis

The next day brought my MRI.  I had a really great doctor there.  He was sincere and honest.  He walked me through the MRI and said after it a neurologist would see me.  He assured me that he wouldn't know anything I didn't and wouldn't keep me waiting. The MRI and MRA took a good hour.  Im not sure really what the difference in tests was, but the doc said one allowed them to see blood flow in the brain better.
As I lay in bed awaiting the results, I texted a close family member that has advanced MS.  I kind of already knew in my head I guess what the diagnosis would be.  I told her I might he new understudy.  She was calm and supportive.  She told me that "some other tragic accident not withstanding, you are not going to leave 3 kids without a mother.  You will live a long happy life, your body just may not cooperate with you at times".  This gave me my one shred of comfort.
The doctor returned shortly.  He sat down next to my bed.  He told me he didn't want to keep me waiting. He reviewed the MRI and consulted with the Neurologist who also reviewed it.  He told me there was no easy way to hear this... That I did in fact have Multiple Sclerosis.  There was one lesion on my brain that he said has been there for years and there was another very big one at the top of my spinal cord which was the one giving me all the problems.  He went on to explain how there are many types of MS and people do pretty well with it.  "It could mean the difference of walking with a cane at age 60 rather than without".  He was very optimistic and wanted to start treatment immediately. I, however, had done my Google homework on MS and was not as positive as he.
 Treatment is a "super human" course of IV steroids for 5 days.  5 DAYS?  I WANT TO GO HOME.  I WANT TO BE WITH MY KIDS, NOT HERE!!!! I DONT WANT ANY OF THIS.
I wanted Al.  I asked him to come to the hospital immediately.  How was I going to tell him?  How was I going to tell him that I screwed everything up?  That I let everyone down?  That we were no longer a team? That he would have to now carry the burden of taking care of me for the rest of my life? That he now has to sacrifice his dreams because of me? 
He came in the room and I told him and he just hugged me for a long time and told me it would be ok.  What else was there to really say.
He waited with me until the Neurologist came to see me.  He repeated the diagnosis.  He also wanted to do another MRI of my Thoracic spine to see if we could find any more lesions, maybe the one causing my chest tightness.  He also would start my day tomorrow with a Lumbar Puncture to look for other MS markers and test my spinal fluid for other viruses/diseases.  I didn't want any of it, but I was going downhill fast so I wasn't going to fight it.  They began treatment.  They said I would start to feel better soon once the steroids attacked these lesions.
This is the point that Al stepped into my life for me and I became on onlooker.  Do you know how lucky I am to have someone like that?  Someone you are comfortable enough to let just take over?  I still let him, out of need mostly.  He talks to the doctors, schedules my appointments, gives me my meds, takes care of the kids, the house, the bills...  I still cant mentally handle that part.
As the doctor predicted, I lay in bed all night tracing back symptoms and events in my life that I blamed on other things, but were actually MS.  I can actually recall symptoms up to 4 years ago that could have been early signs and I thought how lucky I was that I didn't get diagnosed years ago for I would never have had my 2 youngest children.
 My mom came to see me that night and I had to give her the same news I gave Al earlier.  Im supposed to be there to take care of her as she ages, not vice versa.  It was a long night, alone there in a strange place, with this new diagnosis, without my children.
So....The Lumbar Puncture did reveal more MS markers and was negative for anything else and the MRI did reveal the newest lesion, on T2/T3 vertebrae, which was the culprit of my "heart attack feeling".  I could no longer blame it on anxiety....or Stuart.  It DID NOT reveal a massive tumor wrapped around my spine that couldn't be removed and would only allow me to live a few more months (Amazing what your brain tries to tell you).  So, that was good news!
I continued on the daily IV steroids but only got worse.  I couldn't walk at this point.  My muscles were uncoordinated and weak.  I was still pins and needles from my neck to my toes.  I had no feeling in my hands and they didn't work at all.  The next few days were a blur.  Al and Ivory would come by to visit, walk me to the bathroom, feed me, shower me and try to tell me things would get better.
I remember one of the last mornings I was there.  The nurse brought in my breakfast tray, put it next to my bed and left.  Al and Ivory were late and I was starving.  The steroids make you very hungry.  I waited as long as I could.  I managed to pick my arm up and swat the lid off the plate.  There was an English muffin and a package of cream cheese. Great! I "casted" my arm out a few times until I hooked the cream cheese and I managed to get it to my mouth.  I took about 20 nibbles out of the top before I could finally peel the lid off with my teeth.  My hands and arms were too uncoordinated to handle the knife or put cream cheese on the muffin.  Forget it.  Im starving.  So, I clumsily "cast" my arm out again and grab hold of the muffin.  I look like a shaky caveman, but Im eating it.  Just then, my daughter finally comes through the door.  She has a completely shocked look on her face, like someone just gave her a kitten for her birthday.  She exclaims, with an enormous smile "Mom, you can feed yourself!!!!".  What I began to realize is that my kids don't need me to be SUPER MOM.  They just need me to BE.  There isn't a day that goes by that one of them doesn't say that, in their own little way....and THAT is what keeps me going!
My last day of treatment came and there was talk of transferring me to another hospital for some other 7 day IV treatment, or transferring me to a closer hospital to where we lived, or maybe sending me off to another floor of the hospital for rehab.  I don't know what Al said or how he did it, but he had the doctors agree to discharge me and let me go home.  A big part of it is that part of our house is completely handi-cap accessible. So, it took the safety hazard part out of the equation.
So, that was it.  We were headed home.  What I thought was 4 days in the hospital was actually 8.
The ride home was the longest ever.  I was so uncomfortable, but knew everything would be OK once I was there and this nightmare would be over.

4. Reality

We actually woke up a bit more refreshed.  The kids slept well and I didn't have to wake every 2 hours.  Al was due home from work in a few short hours, the sun was shining, it was going to be a great day.  As I began to move around, I felt otherwise.  My whole body was pins and needles and my neck was so stiff.  I played with the kids the best I could. I made an appointment for a massage.  Maybe I just needed a little relaxation.  Maybe I had a pinched nerve and a good massage would loosen things up.  Ahhhhh....  Then we could spend the rest of our week frolicking on the lawns of the mansions, playing in the sand and enjoying evenings on the back deck where my amazing husband proposed to me 3 short years before.  The rest of the family headed out for adventure with the kids and I split for the spa. Great massage. As I laid on the table after, I felt back to normal, but as I stood up, not so much.  My arms were so tingly and my fingers weren't working so well.  I clumsily got dressed, dropping my phone on the floor.  It burst in pieces and I could barely put it back together.  I gathered my jewelry and put it in my pocket, knowing I would be unable to put it on.
I walked to the car with the feeling of pins and needles shooting up my legs as each foot hit the ground.  I knew I needed to find Al. 
Do I head straight for home? but if no one is there then what do I do? I drove to the nearest beach.  Now, have you been to Newport?  Its all beach.  The chances that I pulled into the exact part of the parking lot at the exact beach my family was at was against all odds.  I saw our car in the lot.  Then, I saw my husband on the other side of the parking lot.  He seemed a world away.  I just fixed my eyes on him and made my body get there.  When I did, I broke down in tears and told him something bad was happening and I couldn't take this any longer.  He tried to hand me our daughter and she just slid down my side, I couldn't hold her up.  My hands were getting worse by the hour.  Now, I couldn't even use my outer 3 fingers.  We packed the kids in the car and Al brought me to the nearest urgent care.  The doc who saw me thought a Lyme Disease attack of some kind.  He ran an EKG because I could barely breath at this point and he said my heart didn't like whatever was going on (damn that Stuart...he DID break it).  So, off to the emergency room we went.
They did the usual tests and exams and waiting, waiting, waiting.  My neurological exam now was getting further from normal.  From my neck to my toes was pins and needles.  My hands were numb and nearly useless and I couldn't even come close to touching my finger to my nose. Ivory waited patiently beside me the whole time.  Finally, the ER doc consulted with a neurologist and advised me to stay the night for an MRI the next day. 
Ive never spent the night away from Amelia since she was born.  She was even nursing occasionally still.  The kids were devastated, and I was alone. Al's Uncle is a retired medical doctor.  He sat next to my bed most of the evening making sure the doctors and nurses were doing their jobs.  At one point late in the evening he met with the doctor in charge of my case.  They spoke of my MRI the next day and threw around terms such as "MS" and "brain tumor".
 I did what everyone does when they don't know where to turn.  I called my mom.  She made plans to come to Newport in the morning to help  with the kids.  I spent the night there alone, hooked up to an IV, heart monitor, pulse ox meter and getting heparin shots in the belly.....just waiting to find out what could possibly be wrong.

2. Calm before the storm

We decided, this year, to pack up the kids and take them to Newport for spring break.  Since my Mother In Law lives there, we could not only enjoy some time away, we could also give the kids a chance to visit Grandma. I spent the week prior to vacation prepping and packing for our family of 5.  This, as some of you may know, is a HUGE task.  As the days got closer, I started feeling the stress.
Not helping circumstances was my newly acquired responsibility.  My lovely, caring, nurturing daughter found a newborn baby mouse out in the yard.  Its mother and family got destroyed and she begged and pleaded (Ya  know, the big teary eyes) for me to save it.  I knew it didn't have a chance.  A baby mouse the size of the tip of my pinky needs a mother mouse the size of my thumb to take care of it.  But, what was I going to tell her? So, I put the little guy on a heating pad and began feeding him goat's milk from the end of a tiny paint brush.  Every two hours, AROUND-THE-CLOCK!  What do you know, he thrived!  It seemed like every time I peeled back his little covers to feed him he got bigger and furrier and had more whiskers and... and... and...  life is a miracle.  I have come to love watching things grow and change.  "Stuart" was now a solid part of our life.  I would watch him grow all day. At night, I would tuck him in next to the bed to make night time feedings easier.  He was getting to the point that if I slept longer than my 2 hours he would squeak for me.  The thought of travelling to Newport with him was an added stress.  He was still only just the size of my thumb and needed his heating  pad to keep warm enough.

The day before the trip I was having some weird feelings.  I did a few Google searches and MS kept popping up at the top of my search  results.  Its similar to flipping through a medical encyclopedia though, youre convinced you have every condition in the book.  So,  I just went on with my day.
The morning of departure came.  I was completely overwhelmed.  The plan was to load the car and the kids and meet my husband at work when he got out.  I called him and told him I wasn't feeling good and didn't know if I could do all this on my own and felt pins and needles all over .......and google thinks I have MS.  He calmly let me know I was certainly having anxiety about the trip and would be home to help load up and drive with me. 
By the time he got home I was convinced I was going to have a stroke, or heart attack, or something major.  I had pins and needles in my feet and legs.  My chest  was so tight it felt almost hard to breathe.  We both agreed I should get checked by a doctor before travelling.  Off to the ER we went.  The PA that saw me did a neurological exam(at which time was normal).   He checked my electrolyte balance, which was also fine.  He told me I was too young and healthy for heart problems, so no other tests were necessary.  He gave me a clean bill of health and wished me a happy vacation, agreeing with my husband that it was probably just anxiety.
So, we went home, packed up and off we went.  Stuart took his place in a large coffee can, surrounded by hand warmers, between my feet.