I dont even know

By the title even, you can tell Im off.  Im in a swirl of emotion and thought.  Ive got approximately 2 weeks to go before I leave for Team Training, at ECAD, to get paired with my service dog.  I've raised the money.  I've been waiting a year.  I DO NOT want to leave my kids or spend 2 months of this precious summer weather away.  The first six months with the new dog will be crucial.  Its time for it to learn me and bond with me.  My youngest has her heart surgery scheduled for January.  I, obviously, cannot take my dog to the hospital for the week I am there and its within that 6 months still.  I spoke to one of the ECAD people in the whelping facility.  She strongly advised me NOT to change the Team Training date.  Not only for the sake that I might be put on the waiting list for another year or more, but...She knows the Lead Trainer well and if she has scheduled me for this particular class, she has a particular dog in mind for me.  That just sent chills down my spine. There was a puppy born 2 years ago that has been being trained daily, specifically with me in mind.

ECAD called me a few days ago to confirm my arrival time and needs and to ask some questions.  She asked what exactly I see when I get to a step, or curb, etc.. So, I let her know that I have no depth perception due to my loss of sight in one eye.  So, a crack, bump, step, line, curb...they all look flat to me.  She let me know that they have trained the dog to nudge me when a curb or step is coming, then it will place its paw over my foot and guide me up.  HOLY CRAP!!!  Also, the dog will guide me around anything on the floor that I might not see (toys, shoes, etc..).   It is just so incredible.
   I received my welcome packet a few weeks back.  They stressed how mentally and physically exhausting the training is.  They provided me with 5 pages of commands to memorize before I arrive.  It is a lot of work.  However, Im in the home stretch.  Just fun stuff now: meeting my dog, buying its new gear, enjoying all the freedoms and comfort that come with my new "helper"...So I thought.  I have been reading more and more on ECAD's website about how difficult it is for clients to get funding for their second dog.  Today I got a letter.  It tells about a woman whos dog got cancer.  She raised the money to treat it, but the treatments did not work.  So, she had to raise the $8500 again for ECAD and wait another year.  When I have not even experienced the joy of the dog yet, I am thinking beyond that.  This animal will be able to help me with just about every task I have to do, it will KNOW me better than anyone else ever will.  As I / If I acquire more deficits, it will be trained to help me with those as well.  But as I age, so does it...  There will come a day that it can no longer help me.  In ECADs letter, they suggested every client set a goal of raising $2000 a year and keeping it aside for when the time for a new dog approaches.  So, the battle isn't over.  It was my hope to have a fundraiser annually to help someone else each time around. Little did I know it would be me.  So, as I go through this process, please keep me in mind.  I still have donation links on my website: www.mybeautifullifewithms.com  .  I will also be planning a fundraiser and do plan on holding clinics/demos on how to work with people who have disabilities/service dogs.  I will gear these towards schools, communities, health care staff, first responders, etc...  I will do those on donation basis and put all funds towards the sad day when I need a new companion.
So, anyway...TWO WEEKS to Team Training.  I have so much to do.  Next week I have my 6 month MRI.  I cannot even believe it has been that long (after having over a dozen in a year).  I also have an appointment with my Neurologist and my General Practitioner.  Ive been getting splitting headaches and we are trying to work out what could possibly be going on now.  My doctor put me on anti-seizure meds.  I took them once and cant remember half the night.  So, back to the drawing board.  Of course Team Training is right in the middle of my Tysabri infusion window (has to be every 4 weeks) and even a few days before treatment I go rapidly down hill.  So, Ive had to start adjusting appointments 3 months ago.  On the home front.. I know all my veggies Ive been slaving over in our new green house will be ready

, my beautiful flowers are blooming everywhere

, the pool is at the perfect temp.

Its such a NOT convenient time to go.  Oh, and we have a surprise(!!!) litter of new baby rabbits.

Im going to be a mental disaster there.
As I go to sleep every night, an arm around each child..I wonder how Im possibly going to do it, be away.  I had to leave them a lot last summer.  I hated every second, but I had no choice.  This feels like a choice.  Its terrible and exciting and stressful and I guess it will all make me a better, more capable person, which in the end is the goal...I think.