6. Home sweet home?

I was home, yes, but it wasn't like I had hoped.  These symptoms didn't just magically go away once I stepped in the door.  I was miserable.  Luckily, my parents have an in-law apartment within our house that is completely handicapped accessible.  So, they graciously let me take it over, seeing as I couldn't walk much and especially up stairs.  I spent the first week between the bed and the couch, needing help to get around, eat, drink, etc.. 
My husband is a First Responder, Volunteer, EMT, Firefighter....since the day he was born.  He is always picking up shifts, working late and going in early.  I could have all 3 kids in complete meltdown phase, dinner dishes everywhere, completely exhausted myself, but if the town sirens go off all I hear is the front door slam.  He is like a dog that chases cars.  You just cant stop him.  So, when I heard  through the walls of the house, that he took a month off from work... I knew this was BAD!
The bright spots for me was being able to see the kids.   I couldn't hold them because I was so uncomfortable and I couldn't use my arms to hold them on my lap, but I could watch them.  They were just happy to have me home. Ive learned so much from just being able to observe them.  I could even roll over in bed and watch them play outside through the window.  The nights were the worst. I would lay in bed.  I couldn't sleep(nothing new I suppose) and listen to the rest of the family head upstairs to bed.  I would listen to Amelia cry herself to sleep and I couldn't do one thing about it.
I was able to snuggle with them and watch tv during the day.  One day my son was sitting on my lap watching his favorite show.  It ended and he asked if I could put another one on.  I told him if he got me the remote I would try my best.  So, he ran to his toy bin, grabbed a wooden block and handed it to me.  I said "AJ, I cant turn the TV on with this".  He comes back with "Why, because your hands don't work?". Frustrated now, I say "NO, BECAUSE ITS A WOODEN BLOCK" and he laughs.....grrrr. It gave me a memory though and that's what life is made of, someone once told me, little memories.
I filled my days with visiting nurses, physical and occupational therapy.  My family would encourage me by telling me how much better I was getting, but I didn't see it.  I was in a dark place.  I was feeling worse now and started to convince myself that it wasn't going to get any better.  We had appointments with 2 MS specialists, but they were weeks away.  Al called one of the clinics and spoke to a nurse about my symptoms.  She explained that when someone newly diagnosed with MS starts to feel better and then worse again it is usually a sign of an infection somewhere else in the body.  So, we got in to see my regular doctor who put me on a course of antibiotics.  I swear, almost as fast as the symptoms came on I could feel them going away.  I woke up one morning(yes, I was even actually sleeping now) and felt how soft the sheets were on top of my feet....I COULD FEEL!  My nerve endings were actually healing. In the next few days my entire length of my legs were back to normal sensation.  I also had more use of my right hand and could sit up and move about more comfortably.  That was a huge turning point.
I was able to get outside and sit in the sun and watch the kids play on their new swing set.  I created a 'healing space' in our sun room.  Somewhere I could resort to and relax and recover.  It made a world of difference.
Sometimes I think.....my life was SO full and rich that something had to be taken...maybe to keep me grounded, or remind me HOW good it was.  I think that if that one chunk of my life that was taken was passed on to someone else in need, maybe that was even their ONLY good chunk of their life, then this was worth going through and I could deal with not having it.  I have to have faith that this is the case and it brings me peace and joy knowing I could give so much to someone that was so in need.