Tuesday, May 28, 2013

9. Status Quo

I started this blog not to be an overinflated account of my life yet all its been is me me me... I haven't mentioned every email or Facebook post or blog comment, card, plate of cookies or basket of fruit or dinner, flowers or anything else that has come from the community. Its only half me me me, the other half has come from the community.

We left off the last post with three days in bed. I've taken two trips to urgent care. One trip to the General Practitioner, one to the ENT, two to the MS specialists, 3 to the ER, 2 to the hospital by ambulance, and here I am still in bed.

When the doctors say up and down days they mean down days with a few up. The right side of my face and tongue is numb. I can't open my eyes because of the spinning and dizziness. The least concerning symptom is the lack of ability to walk, because I've taught myself to do that twice already. In this last stay at the ER they repeated the MRI and found two new lesions causing my new symptoms. So, we started a 5 dose of iv steroids in the hospital hoping that will make a difference. If not, we are on to IVIG. Then down to Yale to start my real MS treatment.

I miss my home and my children terribly! But, I know I need to get through this part so I can take care of them.

Monday, May 20, 2013

8. Rollercoaster

My week started off pretty well and, financial concerns aside, I felt like this was finally something I could live with.  I had numbness in my tongue, throat, torso front and back, arms and hands.  My ability to control my hands without looking at them was not very good, neither was my handwriting.   However, I could  walk, take care of myself and even help take  care of  the kids here and there.  I really felt good and wasnt in discomfort or pain.
By Tuesday, the numbness in my tongue and throat increased and I was very anxious to get into see the MS specialist at Griffin Hospital.  I walked the whole length of the hospital just fine (I was pretty proud of myself.  It's the farthest I had walked in a month). I was very hesitant to actually get to the waiting room though.  I was not sure what I would see.
I used to work as a CNA and one of my patients had MS.  I remember him having such bad muscle convulsions that he would have to wait until they subsided before he could regain normal speech.  His family eventually ended up deciding to place him in assisted living because we could not meet his needs at home.  I remember they asked me if I would accompany them to his new home.  That was the last time I saw him.
Anyway, so was I goimg to find a waiting room full of sullen, convulsing patients in their wheelchairs?  I didnt look around much but did notice there was a range of people,  from younger to older, with and without assistive devices.  While we waited,  we read through a newsletter written just for, and by, kids who's parents have MS. Maybe Ivory could write HER story?  We werent  waiting long before we were called in.  The doctor got a thorough medical history.   He showed us my MRI scans.  Surprisingly, the MS lesions werent lit up like a huge ball of fire like I had expected, but more of a faint shadow.  The doctor noted a few on my brain, the one on T3 and, most notably, the one on the top of my spinal cord.  We could see from the scan that in wasnt just sitting on my cord, it was within it.  He did a neurological exam. As part of it, had me walk a straight line heal to toe.  Oh boy, if I ever drive again Im going to need a card that says... just go straight for the breathalyzer.
The doctor asked if I intended to have more children.  I was so shocked I didn't know how to answer. I silently ruled out that possibility weeks ago.  He recommended a second round of iv steroids to try and get me back to normal sooner, wanted to run some additional blood tests to rule out other conditions, gave me some more meds to add to the ones I already have (I HATE taking pills).  He then gave me literature on all the current MS drugs and sent me on my way.
Later that night, I sat down with all the literature.   Each drug came with it's own box of info, cd, tabbed file folder and gadget to make you want to choose their pill, injection,  infusion or such.  I opened each one and went straight to "side effects".  I then took a marker and, in my best penmanship, wrote the number one side effect on the front cover.  Let's see... I have to choose between: vision loss, liver failure, rare brain infection, depression/suicide.  Or, from the thinnest packet, with no cd or gimmick, low white blood cell count.. but that one has only been on the market a few weeks. ?.. I think I will look this over some other time.
Wednesday brought the start of my second round of steroids.   When the doctor calls in the order, the meds get shipped to Walgreens and a nurse gets "dispatched" to your house to deliver them.  So, the nurse shows up with my "kit".  She pops up my new IV stand, hangs the meds, after blowing up a vein or two finally manages to set my catheter, has me sign some paperwork and hands me my "do it yourself" guide to administering  my meds.  Seriously?  Now I've done this a million times on animals, but never on myself.  I ask "so, you will be back tomorrow"?  She says "no".  "so, then you will be back in 5 days to pull the catheter"?  She says I do that on my own too.  OK....
I get up early Thursday morning so that I can run my IV before my big day at Yale. I've been awaiting this for a month. I feel terrible, the room is spinning, I'm throwing up, I do not want to go. My husband convinces me otherwise and we are in the car. I don't care much about the waiting room today as I'm the one in the wheelchair hunched over and unable to stand. The clinic is beautiful, its like they just cut the ribbon before we arrived.  The nurses are wonderful and we were taken in quickly.  We are lead into the doctor and all I can do at this point is creek one eye open. I apologize for my lack of sociability. Im feeling awful. Again she takes a long medical history and reviews the scans.  Her bedside manner it's much different than the previous doctor at Griffin we saw. She explains the illness and process that we are going through. She is there to help us.  She gives a longer response time, 6 months, until Im back to where I was, but she seems confident I will get back there.  She reviews with us many treatments for MS, all covered in those scary folders.  Her drug of choice is the one that causes a rare brain infection but it only happens, she explains, when exposed to the JC virus which is a strain of the common cold. Does she not remember we have 3 kids? We are the common cold. She asked me, however, if I plan on having more children. I don't know if you remember this is something I've heard before. Is it possible? I am blessed to have our three children,but we are now a family of 5. If anything happened to my children what I want another? Not that I could ever replace them but we are a family of 5. Its something I don't want to think about, but all moms do.  I know that.  Her reason for asking is that she recommends the most aggressive treatment....and it is not compatible with having more children.  Great, another choice.  I don't even know, in my heart, that my body would be healthy enough to be pregnant again.  She goes on to tell me that my odds of getting MS were 1:1000. My children's odds are 1:199.  That kind of makes my decision for me.  I ask about natural treatment.  She does support it and admits that high doses of Vitamin D work just as well at preventing further attacks as some of the medications out there.  She tells me, in her opinion, that I do not have the luxury of choosing a natural approach.  Due to the size, involvement and location of my biggest lesion, it could be disabling.  My lesion, as I mentioned, is at the base (top) of my spinal cord and therefore has effect on everything below it.  I do not have the courage to ask, nor hear, how disabling but Ive done research on paralysis caused by MS and I prefer to leave this one unanswered.  She recommends I stop the IV steroids, that they will only increase the speed of recovery, but not restrict it.  If steroids are causing this dizziness than we should stop. She comforts me with one last remark: unless I cant swallow, anything else is just  a new MS symptom and is not an emergency. I had some blood drawn and will meet up again with her in a month to start treatment.
I have just gotten more and more dizzy since then and haven't even been able to lift my head in 4 days :(
That was my week! Rollercoaster

Sunday, May 19, 2013

7. Missing chapter

My goal of this blog was to keep everyone close to me by sharing my experiences, my progress, outpouring of community support, but I am at a point where I feeling need to jump ahead in order to keep my close friends and family current and what's going on now. there is so much that I want to add I feel like there's a hole in the blog that will have to be filled with flashbacks maybe a chapter in the book, but before I move on...

There was one sleepless night few weeks ago, and remember I don't sleep, ( my husband says I use that time to solve all the worlds problems).I asked my husband to make sure he told this story to my kids: if something were to happen to me I want my kids to know that I never slept. It was gods way of training me. Training me to be their angel so that when they lay down to sleep I would be there all night watching them, looking after them, solving their worlds problems and looking after their babies so they could sleep comfortably and close their eyes knowing that I was there I would take care of them. Those are the kind of things I took comfort in.
Over the next few weeks I just kept finding more and more positives and  ripple effects from the situation I was in. I had a friend from church give me a point of view I hadn't even considered.
She said, what if the reason I was  "taken out" of the picture had nothing to do with me?  What if it was a bond Al needed to form with his children? And I would not be "reinstated" until the bond was complete"?   Wow! Great, now every time I get a new symptom, or are flat on my back for a day, Im saying "God Damn Al, hurry up"!  Im sitting here in a disabled state waiting on a man to learn a lesson?  Terrific. ?.
My thoughts have transformed I to more of an urgency to get better.
Here I am , again, put in this lucky spot and given this opportunity that most people aren't.   I have been given a second take on life.  Ive been given the chance to look around inside myself, to see who my friends really are, to see who is there for me in times of need, to look at who I am  and who I want to be, how I want to raise my children, etc.. I have been given this chance and I will come out of this a better and stronger person because of it!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

6. Home sweet home?

I was home, yes, but it wasn't like I had hoped.  These symptoms didn't just magically go away once I stepped in the door.  I was miserable.  Luckily, my parents have an in-law apartment within our house that is completely handicapped accessible.  So, they graciously let me take it over, seeing as I couldn't walk much and especially up stairs.  I spent the first week between the bed and the couch, needing help to get around, eat, drink, etc.. 
My husband is a First Responder, Volunteer, EMT, Firefighter....since the day he was born.  He is always picking up shifts, working late and going in early.  I could have all 3 kids in complete meltdown phase, dinner dishes everywhere, completely exhausted myself, but if the town sirens go off all I hear is the front door slam.  He is like a dog that chases cars.  You just cant stop him.  So, when I heard  through the walls of the house, that he took a month off from work... I knew this was BAD!
The bright spots for me was being able to see the kids.   I couldn't hold them because I was so uncomfortable and I couldn't use my arms to hold them on my lap, but I could watch them.  They were just happy to have me home. Ive learned so much from just being able to observe them.  I could even roll over in bed and watch them play outside through the window.  The nights were the worst. I would lay in bed.  I couldn't sleep(nothing new I suppose) and listen to the rest of the family head upstairs to bed.  I would listen to Amelia cry herself to sleep and I couldn't do one thing about it.
I was able to snuggle with them and watch tv during the day.  One day my son was sitting on my lap watching his favorite show.  It ended and he asked if I could put another one on.  I told him if he got me the remote I would try my best.  So, he ran to his toy bin, grabbed a wooden block and handed it to me.  I said "AJ, I cant turn the TV on with this".  He comes back with "Why, because your hands don't work?". Frustrated now, I say "NO, BECAUSE ITS A WOODEN BLOCK" and he laughs.....grrrr. It gave me a memory though and that's what life is made of, someone once told me, little memories.
I filled my days with visiting nurses, physical and occupational therapy.  My family would encourage me by telling me how much better I was getting, but I didn't see it.  I was in a dark place.  I was feeling worse now and started to convince myself that it wasn't going to get any better.  We had appointments with 2 MS specialists, but they were weeks away.  Al called one of the clinics and spoke to a nurse about my symptoms.  She explained that when someone newly diagnosed with MS starts to feel better and then worse again it is usually a sign of an infection somewhere else in the body.  So, we got in to see my regular doctor who put me on a course of antibiotics.  I swear, almost as fast as the symptoms came on I could feel them going away.  I woke up one morning(yes, I was even actually sleeping now) and felt how soft the sheets were on top of my feet....I COULD FEEL!  My nerve endings were actually healing. In the next few days my entire length of my legs were back to normal sensation.  I also had more use of my right hand and could sit up and move about more comfortably.  That was a huge turning point.
I was able to get outside and sit in the sun and watch the kids play on their new swing set.  I created a 'healing space' in our sun room.  Somewhere I could resort to and relax and recover.  It made a world of difference.
Sometimes I think.....my life was SO full and rich that something had to be taken...maybe to keep me grounded, or remind me HOW good it was.  I think that if that one chunk of my life that was taken was passed on to someone else in need, maybe that was even their ONLY good chunk of their life, then this was worth going through and I could deal with not having it.  I have to have faith that this is the case and it brings me peace and joy knowing I could give so much to someone that was so in need.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

5. Diagnosis


The next day brought my MRI.  I had a really great doctor there.  He was sincere and honest.  He walked me through the MRI and said after it a neurologist would see me.  He assured me that he wouldn't know anything I didn't and wouldn't keep me waiting. The MRI and MRA took a good hour.  Im not sure really what the difference in tests was, but the doc said one allowed them to see blood flow in the brain better.
As I lay in bed awaiting the results, I texted a close family member that has advanced MS.  I kind of already knew in my head I guess what the diagnosis would be.  I told her I might he new understudy.  She was calm and supportive.  She told me that "some other tragic accident not withstanding, you are not going to leave 3 kids without a mother.  You will live a long happy life, your body just may not cooperate with you at times".  This gave me my one shred of comfort.
The doctor returned shortly.  He sat down next to my bed.  He told me he didn't want to keep me waiting. He reviewed the MRI and consulted with the Neurologist who also reviewed it.  He told me there was no easy way to hear this... That I did in fact have Multiple Sclerosis.  There was one lesion on my brain that he said has been there for years and there was another very big one at the top of my spinal cord which was the one giving me all the problems.  He went on to explain how there are many types of MS and people do pretty well with it.  "It could mean the difference of walking with a cane at age 60 rather than without".  He was very optimistic and wanted to start treatment immediately. I, however, had done my Google homework on MS and was not as positive as he.
 Treatment is a "super human" course of IV steroids for 5 days.  5 DAYS?  I WANT TO GO HOME.  I WANT TO BE WITH MY KIDS, NOT HERE!!!! I DONT WANT ANY OF THIS.
I wanted Al.  I asked him to come to the hospital immediately.  How was I going to tell him?  How was I going to tell him that I screwed everything up?  That I let everyone down?  That we were no longer a team? That he would have to now carry the burden of taking care of me for the rest of my life? That he now has to sacrifice his dreams because of me? 
He came in the room and I told him and he just hugged me for a long time and told me it would be ok.  What else was there to really say.
He waited with me until the Neurologist came to see me.  He repeated the diagnosis.  He also wanted to do another MRI of my Thoracic spine to see if we could find any more lesions, maybe the one causing my chest tightness.  He also would start my day tomorrow with a Lumbar Puncture to look for other MS markers and test my spinal fluid for other viruses/diseases.  I didn't want any of it, but I was going downhill fast so I wasn't going to fight it.  They began treatment.  They said I would start to feel better soon once the steroids attacked these lesions.
This is the point that Al stepped into my life for me and I became on onlooker.  Do you know how lucky I am to have someone like that?  Someone you are comfortable enough to let just take over?  I still let him, out of need mostly.  He talks to the doctors, schedules my appointments, gives me my meds, takes care of the kids, the house, the bills...  I still cant mentally handle that part.
As the doctor predicted, I lay in bed all night tracing back symptoms and events in my life that I blamed on other things, but were actually MS.  I can actually recall symptoms up to 4 years ago that could have been early signs and I thought how lucky I was that I didn't get diagnosed years ago for I would never have had my 2 youngest children.
 My mom came to see me that night and I had to give her the same news I gave Al earlier.  Im supposed to be there to take care of her as she ages, not vice versa.  It was a long night, alone there in a strange place, with this new diagnosis, without my children.
So....The Lumbar Puncture did reveal more MS markers and was negative for anything else and the MRI did reveal the newest lesion, on T2/T3 vertebrae, which was the culprit of my "heart attack feeling".  I could no longer blame it on anxiety....or Stuart.  It DID NOT reveal a massive tumor wrapped around my spine that couldn't be removed and would only allow me to live a few more months (Amazing what your brain tries to tell you).  So, that was good news!
I continued on the daily IV steroids but only got worse.  I couldn't walk at this point.  My muscles were uncoordinated and weak.  I was still pins and needles from my neck to my toes.  I had no feeling in my hands and they didn't work at all.  The next few days were a blur.  Al and Ivory would come by to visit, walk me to the bathroom, feed me, shower me and try to tell me things would get better.
I remember one of the last mornings I was there.  The nurse brought in my breakfast tray, put it next to my bed and left.  Al and Ivory were late and I was starving.  The steroids make you very hungry.  I waited as long as I could.  I managed to pick my arm up and swat the lid off the plate.  There was an English muffin and a package of cream cheese. Great! I "casted" my arm out a few times until I hooked the cream cheese and I managed to get it to my mouth.  I took about 20 nibbles out of the top before I could finally peel the lid off with my teeth.  My hands and arms were too uncoordinated to handle the knife or put cream cheese on the muffin.  Forget it.  Im starving.  So, I clumsily "cast" my arm out again and grab hold of the muffin.  I look like a shaky caveman, but Im eating it.  Just then, my daughter finally comes through the door.  She has a completely shocked look on her face, like someone just gave her a kitten for her birthday.  She exclaims, with an enormous smile "Mom, you can feed yourself!!!!".  What I began to realize is that my kids don't need me to be SUPER MOM.  They just need me to BE.  There isn't a day that goes by that one of them doesn't say that, in their own little way....and THAT is what keeps me going!
My last day of treatment came and there was talk of transferring me to another hospital for some other 7 day IV treatment, or transferring me to a closer hospital to where we lived, or maybe sending me off to another floor of the hospital for rehab.  I don't know what Al said or how he did it, but he had the doctors agree to discharge me and let me go home.  A big part of it is that part of our house is completely handi-cap accessible. So, it took the safety hazard part out of the equation.
So, that was it.  We were headed home.  What I thought was 4 days in the hospital was actually 8.
The ride home was the longest ever.  I was so uncomfortable, but knew everything would be OK once I was there and this nightmare would be over.

4. Reality

We actually woke up a bit more refreshed.  The kids slept well and I didn't have to wake every 2 hours.  Al was due home from work in a few short hours, the sun was shining, it was going to be a great day.  As I began to move around, I felt otherwise.  My whole body was pins and needles and my neck was so stiff.  I played with the kids the best I could. I made an appointment for a massage.  Maybe I just needed a little relaxation.  Maybe I had a pinched nerve and a good massage would loosen things up.  Ahhhhh....  Then we could spend the rest of our week frolicking on the lawns of the mansions, playing in the sand and enjoying evenings on the back deck where my amazing husband proposed to me 3 short years before.  The rest of the family headed out for adventure with the kids and I split for the spa. Great massage. As I laid on the table after, I felt back to normal, but as I stood up, not so much.  My arms were so tingly and my fingers weren't working so well.  I clumsily got dressed, dropping my phone on the floor.  It burst in pieces and I could barely put it back together.  I gathered my jewelry and put it in my pocket, knowing I would be unable to put it on.
I walked to the car with the feeling of pins and needles shooting up my legs as each foot hit the ground.  I knew I needed to find Al. 
Do I head straight for home? but if no one is there then what do I do? I drove to the nearest beach.  Now, have you been to Newport?  Its all beach.  The chances that I pulled into the exact part of the parking lot at the exact beach my family was at was against all odds.  I saw our car in the lot.  Then, I saw my husband on the other side of the parking lot.  He seemed a world away.  I just fixed my eyes on him and made my body get there.  When I did, I broke down in tears and told him something bad was happening and I couldn't take this any longer.  He tried to hand me our daughter and she just slid down my side, I couldn't hold her up.  My hands were getting worse by the hour.  Now, I couldn't even use my outer 3 fingers.  We packed the kids in the car and Al brought me to the nearest urgent care.  The doc who saw me thought a Lyme Disease attack of some kind.  He ran an EKG because I could barely breath at this point and he said my heart didn't like whatever was going on (damn that Stuart...he DID break it).  So, off to the emergency room we went.
They did the usual tests and exams and waiting, waiting, waiting.  My neurological exam now was getting further from normal.  From my neck to my toes was pins and needles.  My hands were numb and nearly useless and I couldn't even come close to touching my finger to my nose. Ivory waited patiently beside me the whole time.  Finally, the ER doc consulted with a neurologist and advised me to stay the night for an MRI the next day. 
Ive never spent the night away from Amelia since she was born.  She was even nursing occasionally still.  The kids were devastated, and I was alone. Al's Uncle is a retired medical doctor.  He sat next to my bed most of the evening making sure the doctors and nurses were doing their jobs.  At one point late in the evening he met with the doctor in charge of my case.  They spoke of my MRI the next day and threw around terms such as "MS" and "brain tumor".
 I did what everyone does when they don't know where to turn.  I called my mom.  She made plans to come to Newport in the morning to help  with the kids.  I spent the night there alone, hooked up to an IV, heart monitor, pulse ox meter and getting heparin shots in the belly.....just waiting to find out what could possibly be wrong.

3. Jumping ship

We arrived in Newport by late evening.  The trip went smoothly.  We unpacked, got Stuart "plugged back in" on his heating pad and had a great dinner with family.  The kids were happy to see Grandma and hear about all the fun things the week had in store. Looking back(you will read that phrase again and again from me) I wish I took the time to savor and enjoy that night a bit more.
Very early the next morning Al left for a 24 hour shift.  I remember him leaving and thinking I should get up then and feed Stuart, but Amelia had me up half the night and I was SO tired.  So, I put it off.  About an hour later Amelia woke again, it was about 5am.  Stuart wasn't squeaking for me and it had been over 3 hours since his last feeding.  I unfolded his little blanket and couldn't find him anywhere.  I ruffled through and through his coffee can frantically and he was no where.  Now keep in mind he cant even crawl yet. I pull out the tiny baby  bottle I weaned him onto yesterday.  Its about 4" tall and the opening is a little bigger than the tip of a Qtip.  He is too little to use the nipple, so I just rest his paint brush in there.  I put it in with him last night so the milk would keep warm on the heating pad and he could smell something familiar in this new place.  So, I pull out the bottle and I see something inside.  Could it possibly be Stuart? How in the world? I gently tip over the bottle and drain it of milk and I see him.  He IS in there and he is alive.  I start yelling "STUART" "STUART" like he's going to respond "MOM" and jump through the hole.  I try to shake him out but his body is just too big,  I fumble through my overnight bag to find my tweezers.  I find them and attempt to pull his tail.
Im clumsy with the tweezers though and my hands are shaky.  Keep in mind, Im a past Vet Tech.  I could draw blood from a stone, place an IV line, Arterial catheter, suture...all in the most demanding situations.  But I just cant seem to get this little mouse tail.  I finally get it but he wont budge.  I position both his back legs and tail out the opening.  He fights against me.  I pull and pull and wiggle him out carefully, so as not to spinally dislocate him.  I pull SO hard and he finally pops out.  I kiss him and hold him, but he is limp now.  I do a few chest pumps with him  in between my fingers, to no avail.  He takes his last breath and as he does, he takes his furry little mousy paw and punches me right in the heart.  Just then, my daughter wakes up and I have to break the news to her that her pet is gone and Im a complete failure.  We are heart broken.  I start to get another 'anxiety attack'.  My chest seizes up and all my muscles quiver.  I am numb.
We make the best of the day.  My Sister In Law came up and we took the kids on all kinds of adventure.  I had the overwhelming burden of life being so so fragile and did the best I could to let the kids have fun while trying to prevent them from choking, falling down man hole covers, getting slivers, cuts from running in the grass, etc...  We spent the afternoon playing and running around in the sunken gardens and  lawn of one of the nearby mansions.  This was the last time I was able to run and play with the kids.
The evening brought its own set of challenges.  Al was away at work.  We fed the kids and settled them as best we could with a movie.  I was able to occupy my mind all day, but now it started to drift.  Our nighttime routine is different tonight as I cant tuck Stuart in.  My daughter is distraught, and so am I.  I am alone here, with the kids, having just a bad bad feeling.  I feel like if Stuart slipped away so easy, anything can.  I then realized that one of the problems with having 3 kids is that I only have 2 arms to wrap around them.  I put my head by my oldest  daughters chest and one hand on each of the little ones chests.  That way I could make sure they were safe and breathing all night.  A thought then struck me.  What if this feeling of "something bad" wasn't that I was going to lose one of the kids.  WHAT IF IT WAS ME?  I could not imagine my children having to grow up without me.  My numbness and tingling got worse, my chest was so tight I didn't know how my heart could even beat.  I blamed Stuart.  He broke my heart.  I missed him so much.  How could he crawl up that bottle, or even fit in that hole?  Was he curious? Hungry? Or, just possibly did he sense what was about to come and "jumped ship"?
 

2. Calm before the storm

We decided, this year, to pack up the kids and take them to Newport for spring break.  Since my Mother In Law lives there, we could not only enjoy some time away, we could also give the kids a chance to visit Grandma. I spent the week prior to vacation prepping and packing for our family of 5.  This, as some of you may know, is a HUGE task.  As the days got closer, I started feeling the stress.
Not helping circumstances was my newly acquired responsibility.  My lovely, caring, nurturing daughter found a newborn baby mouse out in the yard.  Its mother and family got destroyed and she begged and pleaded (Ya  know, the big teary eyes) for me to save it.  I knew it didn't have a chance.  A baby mouse the size of the tip of my pinky needs a mother mouse the size of my thumb to take care of it.  But, what was I going to tell her? So, I put the little guy on a heating pad and began feeding him goat's milk from the end of a tiny paint brush.  Every two hours, AROUND-THE-CLOCK!  What do you know, he thrived!  It seemed like every time I peeled back his little covers to feed him he got bigger and furrier and had more whiskers and... and... and...  life is a miracle.  I have come to love watching things grow and change.  "Stuart" was now a solid part of our life.  I would watch him grow all day. At night, I would tuck him in next to the bed to make night time feedings easier.  He was getting to the point that if I slept longer than my 2 hours he would squeak for me.  The thought of travelling to Newport with him was an added stress.  He was still only just the size of my thumb and needed his heating  pad to keep warm enough.
The day before the trip I was having some weird feelings.  I did a few Google searches and MS kept popping up at the top of my search  results.  Its similar to flipping through a medical encyclopedia though, youre convinced you have every condition in the book.  So,  I just went on with my day.
The morning of departure came.  I was completely overwhelmed.  The plan was to load the car and the kids and meet my husband at work when he got out.  I called him and told him I wasn't feeling good and didn't know if I could do all this on my own and felt pins and needles all over .......and google thinks I have MS.  He calmly let me know I was certainly having anxiety about the trip and would be home to help load up and drive with me. 
By the time he got home I was convinced I was going to have a stroke, or heart attack, or something major.  I had pins and needles in my feet and legs.  My chest  was so tight it felt almost hard to breathe.  We both agreed I should get checked by a doctor before travelling.  Off to the ER we went.  The PA that saw me did a neurological exam(at which time was normal).   He checked my electrolyte balance, which was also fine.  He told me I was too young and healthy for heart problems, so no other tests were necessary.  He gave me a clean bill of health and wished me a happy vacation, agreeing with my husband that it was probably just anxiety.
So, we went home, packed up and off we went.  Stuart took his place in a large coffee can, surrounded by hand warmers, between my feet.

1. Dont judge a book by its cover

As the saying goes "Don't judge a book by its cover". So should be the saying "Don't judge a blog by its first page".  I have no intention for this to be some over inflated account of my life.  My intent is to bring people closer to my life and maybe even provide help, support and inspiration to someone in  need.  Who knows, maybe if I do something to become remarkable in the future, this blog might transform into a book. If it does,  please don't let the fact that you read the blog deter you from buying the book....I will need all the profits I can get.
I remember someone asking, while I was growing up, If I always "fell in shit and came up smelling like roses"?  My answer was "yes". I always attributed my luck and good fortune to having a good solid  moral and ethical core.  I am honest and fair and try to be humble and treat others right.  I think this puts me at peace with the world.  As long as you are "real" and "live by the rules" you stay squared up with "the man in charge of it all" and he does his best to look out and provide for you.
So, I will start a few years back.  I was in my glory. A single mom raising a beautiful daughter, managing a vineyard & winery, flying airplanes with my friends, riding horses, enjoying fancy dinners and travelling fun places.  I was even in the 'process' for the CT State Police.  Why?  Because I could.
During this time, I "found" my husband.  Or, vice versa... still a point of debate for us.  What we did not debate, or even question, is that we were meant for each other. So, we got married pretty quickly. We had a big few years.  All within 2 years we had our first son, had our first daughter together, moved to a new house and welcomed my parents to live with us as well. We also endured some major stressors: a custody battle over my oldest daughter and the fact that our youngest was born with a heart defect. I swear, these took years off my life.  I then decided to jump into the unknown and leave my job.  For what seemed like forever, that was MY job and that job was ME.  If I was to begin to paint even the tip of the iceberg on why I left, this blog would have to be called "MY WONDERFUL LIFE, as a winery manager.  But, its not!
I began my new life as a stay at home mom of three.  I have never had such a challenging job!  Just like everything else I do, though, I not only wanted to DO it I wanted to excel in it!  So, I made efforts to transform our family into "living green", cloth diapering, soap making, booted the TV, composting, gardening, etc...  We bought into a local CSA and reaped the benefits of fresh local veggies.  I also froze, cooked and canned them to get us through winter.  We get our milk from a local dairy and I use it also to make our own cheese, yogurt, sour cream, etc..  Anything and everything I could think of to bring us "back to basics".
Just recently as my youngest turned 15 months, I decided it was time to focus a little on me.  After 2 babies in 2 years and then spending a solid year after that completely devoted to the kids, I needed it.  I started using Isagenix products and started feeling great.  So great, I became a rep and started selling the products myself.  My next goal was the '10 Day Real Food Challenge' where I learned SO much about healthy eating.  I will honestly never eat the same again.  No white flour, pasta or rice.  No sugar.  Nothing canned or boxed that has more than 5 ingredients or a shelf life over a year. 
I began to sneak in exercise, when the children would allow.  I really felt like I looked and felt at the top of my game! 
I also started to get involved in the community.  I volunteered at the church nursery on Sundays.  I took on a major role revitalizing the local Farmer's Market. Would I accept the nomination for PTO President? Sure.  Join the CT State Animal Rescue Team? Yeah. Take Community Emergency Response Team basic training? Absolutely.  How about some extra FEMA classes just in case that weren't enough.  Bring it on.  I....AM....INVINCIBLE!!
End of story... Or, at least this chapter.