I had to put my horse down last week. My horse. My horse that I got when she was one year old and I was in eighth grade. My best friend...my only friend sometimes. We took on the world together. She was there through first boyfriends... and first break ups.. through high school, through college, through actual broken hearts (not just first break ups that you think are actual broken hearts but you come to realize that was so so SO far from reality), through moving away from my family and across the country, through divorce, my first child...remarriage..moving 15 times in 14 years...my second child...third child :) :) and through my diagnosis of MS. I retired her months before my diagnosis. She showed severe weakness in her hind end and I knew it wasn't fair to ride her anymore. My friends (amazing friends) offered for me to retire her on their farm across town. They had just one other horse on a farm full of goats. Horses aren't like dogs. They are gregarious and therefore don't like being the only horse. It wasn't too long after that that I got sick. I hadn't been able to even walk out to see her much over the past two years but I know she was taken care of well. I knew, each winter, for the past few that it might be her last. Though I used to tell everyone, when they asked how long horses live, that Princess would live forever. It was my way of never having to think that someday she might be gone. Simple as that. She will live forever. I remember, in college, we used to go jogging together. I would load her in the trailer, take her to The Kentucky Horse Park and go running. We would make a point to always stop by a pay phone (yes, pay phone) and call home to say Hi. I remember being in class on a beautiful day and the next thing I knew I would be on her back galloping through the KY Bluegrass..... So long school.
My friend called to let me know that her horse (Princess's pasture mate) was on his third day of colic (severe intestinal distress of one type or another) and might have to be put down. Images instantly flooded through my head. I pictured her hind end weakness, here rear suspensory ligaments nearly giving out, watching her walk occasionally like she was walking on glass because her feet were uncomfortable, seeing balls of hay all over the ground that she had to spit out because she didn't have enough teeth to chew hay anymore. She had three medical events in her lifetime that she should not have recovered from ... but did. Now I pictured her being alone. All alone...through a bitter cold snowy winter. I couldn't do it. I called back my friend. She said the vet was there NOW putting Princess's friend to sleep.
I laid in the field with her as she took her last breath. It was SO cold. It was snowing. It has snowed each day since. The wind has howled. The nights have been SO long. I laid there with her until her body wasn't able to keep me warm anymore. I pet her and talked to her like I haven't been able to do in years. Princess and I were together for about 26 years. If only she could tell me stories from our past as well, I would have been there for another 26, just listening.
Yesterday was my Tysabri day and Neurology appointment. Its been 6 months since Ive seen the doctor. She was thrilled to meet Crane. She asked how I was doing. "Tired...VERY Tired" I say. "Like so tired you just can't snap out of it?". "Yes". "So tired you feel you cant cope?". "Yes". "So tired you feel your legs cant hold you up?". "Yes, yes yes"... "Are you taking anything for it?" My lovely husband mumbles cynically from beside me "coffee, lots of coffee". Yes, I admitted to her that I'm up to about 2 if not 3 small to medium coffees a day. So she says "No, I mean medicine?". WHATTTT????? There is medicine for that?? Amazing! I found out there is also medicine to help my leg spasticity so hopefully I can sleep and there is medicine for the prickly feeling in my face. It wont make the feeling come back, but might prevent the feeling that I have a cactus jammed in the right side of my mouth. I cannot stand taking pills, but for these things, I'm sure the heck going to try.
We talked more about Crane. She wanted to know everything. I told her all about ECAD and the process of raising money and going through training and how much Crane helps me. This time SHE was amazed. She said she wanted to know all the details because she has a notebook that she keeps of all the positive things she hears. Now, imagine that. She is one of the top Neuro, specifically MS, docs in the US. She has computers full of info. She has teams of doctors working under her. Yet, she keeps a small notebook of positive things she hears about her MS patients. If THAT isn't depressing nothing is.
The rest of my week was interspersed with the same level of events, though I am just too low on energy to recall them all.
