Friday, October 30, 2015

That is NOT OK to ask!

 People have been asking lately how I am doing.  They struggle with what are the right words to say.  Sometimes I intervene because I know what they are trying to ask.  Sometimes I let them struggle as they find a way to come out with some awkward question.  It's horrible of me I know,  but I feel like if they want to ask...they should find a way to.  Also, I struggle daily with feeling awkward and uncomfortable, so why shouldn't they for the 10 seconds it takes to form a question.  I told you, it's horrible of me I know.  Honestly, I don't mind being asked.  I feel that if my friends and family read my blog than they would know, but not everyone has the time or desire.  If I minded people knowing about my MS and how I am doing, I wouldn't share so freely here in writing.
So, how am I doing? I am doing exactly how MS portrays itself, good and not so good.  My Tysabri infusions and other medications seem to be keeping all major symptoms at bay.  Tiny symptoms(which I once thought were insignificant) plague me here and there.  Like the top of my head being completely numb, or inability to focus with me left eye(my only eye mind you), severe migrating pain after having dental work, biting my cheek so often that there is a permanent crease inside my mouth because I can't feel anything on the right side of my mouth.  They are little things and I don't want to pester the doctor every single time something new pops up....but is does make me nervous.  Even a tiny symptom could be the onset of a new lesion.  So, although I don't call the doctor each and every time, I do prepare for the worst.  You know those annoying people that must have every little thing in order and their house spotless before they go away.  Well, that's me!  EXCEPT.....  Each and everything on my To Do list is top priority because of this.  Things that could usually slide until tomorrow, or next week, or next month.  They have to get done today for I don't know if one of these "insignificant" symptoms is a sign of something bigger.  I don't mean to sound as if I have the worst illness known to man or I am going to die at any second.  I do realize that many other people are not as blessed as I am.  There are people not as "lucky" to have an invisible illness.  there are people with Cancer and imminent terminal illnesses.  I say imminent because MS is progressive, there is no denying that.  MS will be the eventual cause of my death....it will just drag out for years and years. Anyway, every morning I write my To Do list on the fridge.  Every little thing:
And every day it is a race to get everything done, along with the usual: Make sure the fish have a clean tank of water, hampster cages clean and hamsters fed, rabbits fed and watered, dogs have a weeks worth of food, floors are clean, laundry is done, dishes are done, bathrooms are clean and have extra toilet paper, front porch is swept, garbages are out, car is clean, banking is done....it goes on...

Really though I have been doing good.  Sometimes so good that I actually leave Crane at home.  Most times I regret the decision, but only after it is too late.  I go off to run my usual errands without her because I am very familiar with my stops.  Then, I unexpectedly stop somewhere I don't usually go and I find myself lost. The aisles are small, the floor is hard to maneuver, there are a ton of people...something...  So, I make it to the car and just come home.  When I get here, Crane is right there to give me the "I told you so" look. 
 This brings me to another subject I have been struggling with.  Everyone who really knows my journey or has read my blog knows what I went through to get Crane, how long I waited, the money I had to raise, how I had to leave my family for two weeks to finally train with her, etc..  Sometimes now I hesitate to bring her places because of all the questions I get from people.  Questions they shouldn't be asking like "Is she still in training"(meaning "why do you have her"), Is she your dog (meaning "why do you have her"), Why do you need her? Is she a therapy dog? The list goes on.  It is NOT OK for people to ask these questions.  I answer them, sometimes honesty and sometimes I just make shit up. It makes me feel awful. Like she is just an accessory.  Like I don't need her.  That is the look people give me, that I don't need her.  The right questions to ask? What does she do for you? What is she trained for? Where was she trained? Any compliments are OK too: She is beautiful, she is so well trained, she must be a big help (she gets these comments a lot and I love it).  Of all the things she does for me, I guess the most important thing, why she is just SO amazing, is that she makes me look like I don't need her.  Honestly, sometimes I don't.  However, she helps me even when it doesn't appear so.  Just a little tension on her leash or handle stabilizes me, helps me walk in a straight line.  Just her setting the pace helps me maintain my balance.  I know if she is walking steadily forward that there is nothing in front of me to trip on.  Just her being at my side lets me know I am not going to bump into anything on my right.  See, I never see her when we are out.  She is in my blind spot.  Sometimes my kids will tell me how someone "sneaked a pet" or she did something funny.  That's the amazing part.  I don't even see her.  Just because I don't see her though, doesn't mean I don't need her.

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