Time, questions and civility..

  Today is April 19. I sit on the back deck in the evening sunshine enjoying a drink with my dad.  We converse lightly about the late winter this year and local happenings.  However, I am plagued, mentally, with thoughts.  I haven't been able to concentrate, or sleep, in days.
  I got the official diagnosis of MS on April 18 2013.  I was in a hospital room in Newport, RI.  Somewhere unfamiliar, away from my little ones for the first time in their lives, completely alone, unable to walk or even really move.  On one hand, time has flown (like it always has).  I cannot get over that it has been a year.  This time last year ( A few days prior) I was sitting in the exact same place, looking forward to our apple trees blossoming.  I LOVE apple blossoms.  I think they are one of the most beautiful looking and smelling sights I've ever seen.  I had a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old.  I was fit and healthy(So I thought).  I was full of life and energy.
  On the other hand.  What a LONG year. I still, sometimes, have to choke back the thought "WHY ME"? and "WHY SO EXTREME"?  But..I know those thoughts aren't healthy and I know that we aren't given more than we can handle.  So, apparently I have set the bar high with what I can handle.  I often, lately, as I approached my year mark wondered why my lingering symptoms haven't gone away like most people that have MS has.  I asked my optometrist if I could back down on appointments because, to much of his hope and dismay as well, my vision is not improving.  I have decreased my Yale visits and my MRIs to every 6 months.  Which is huge compared to over a dozen in the past year.  Now..  I just have to grow accustomed to what I have and what I can do.
  I am a Do-It-Your Self er at heart and have not let this disease take that away.  I just got done renovating my bathroom, down to using the water cooled tile saw.  I proved to myself that I can still do it.  However, its definitely not like it used t be.  The saying "measure twice, cut once" for me, is more like "Measure twice, cut once, measure again, cut again, get a new piece and try again".  It involves hammering fingers and bending nails and even sometimes drilling fingers.  But it gets done.  By me.  And it feels great when its all said and done.

   This time of year also brings back other memories.  I blame my Grand Dad for starting  a long line of fliers.  He was Navy Air.  My Uncle, Restorer of sea planes in Washington State. My Dad, Air Force.  My sister and I grew up under the wings of my dad's Cessna.  They were some of my fondest memories of childhood.  My Grand Dad was a Crew Chief and Tail Gunner in a PV-1.  He missed actual WAR by two weeks.  The Atomic bomb "saved" him.  He also missed his first Grand child by two weeks.  He passed away at the end of March in 2003.  I usually go on a commemorative flight on March 30th every year.  I missed the past two years.
   My husband also has always been a flying enthusiast but I was the one that introduced him to the love of small aircraft by taking him up on one of my March flights.  We have gone to many aircraft related destinations since then...  Military Air Shows, Thunderbirds, Blue Angels, Red Bull Air Races, Etc..  I decided to make my dream a reality recently and take my flight physical in order to get my private pilot licence.  Its just another thing to conquer, since I cant conquer "THIS". I got my eye DR to write a letter of recommendation.  I was confident that this would be easy.  Then, the flight examiner began asking too many questions and then asked for a letter from my MS Specialist.  As part of the physical I had to list each and every time I have been to a Doctor or hospital in the past 5 years.  LOL.  That is where I stopped.  Maybe in another 5 years I will try again.  One other thing I cannot conquer. :(
  So, for now I will stick to the car passed down from my Grand Dad.  We love to take it out for cruises and to visit nearby airports.  Whenever I drive it up to an airport I think of my Grand Dad doing the same, years back. I am sending it in for a paint job next week and after that am having it detailed with a PV-1 on the side.  I cannot wait!

  Other than that...  I just got through reading a book on Civility.  Amazing really.  I love self-help kind of books because they really open your eyes to a lot of things you swore you already knew.  I loved the book.  I loved what I learned.  There are pros and cons though.  I believe I have become a much more patient, politically correct, understanding, civil, polite person from the knowledge I have gained.  Unfortunately, I also learned how uncivil and unknowingly impolite other people are. So, do I share my new found knowledge to make them better people or secretly test my skills by reacting to them civilly despite their ill ways?  Something the book does not advise upon...