panick

I will start this short, yet thought invoking post, by saying I probably should not be posting after 2 glasses of wine.  Or, in fact after a wonderful dinner and a long overdue date night with my husband for that matter.   I should just be settling in and calling it a night.  But something is on my brain and it wont let me settle.
  On the way home from dinner our conversation trail lead us on to money.  I said that I never imagined I would ever be on disability.   My husband mentioned how no one ever thinks they will be.  Then he says "but at least it eliminates the panick".  What does that mean, I say.   "The panick of not being able to find or hold down a job with your illness, the panick of not being able to drive to work,  the panick of finding and affording someone to take care of the kids.   It allows you to be home with them".  Really?  "Im glad it eliminates your panick", I say and thats where my night ended.  Stopped short. Right on the Litchfield-Goshen line.  At first I was furious at him and then i realized,  if yoou have never been through a life changing event like this, you see things differently.   There will always be panick.  One day I was fine and the next, hour by hour, I couldnt hold my kids, I couldnt walk,  couldnt use my arms or even write.  It didnt just happen once.  It happened 3 times.  When I was in Yale, on "super human" steroids and plasma transfer, I lost my vision... within hours.  It can happen again at any time. Thats panick.  My brain and my body digest it different now then they would have used to.  And, as much as I can think of, there is nothing that will take that feeling away.   Not a tysabri infusion, not even a cure.  If not ms, it could be cancer.  It could be a heart attack.   It could be anything.  Life is fragile. Im not a hypochondriac.   I don't live in a sheer state.  When I tuck my kids in at night and curl up in my safe warm bed I know how good I have it.  I know im blessed... but...im never at ease.  Maybe that will change.   Im still in my first year here.  Those of you with ms or some other life altering event... does that unsettling feeling, that panick, go away.  Or, does it always feel like something is looming?   Its interesting to observe other peolle and what they panick about and how they panick.   My body is so used to it that im not sure how i would cope without it.... but it would be nice!